Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
There are no pants in heaven.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute