friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years