piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic