When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.