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Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.