The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.