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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.