somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Just me?