I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.