Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
❤️❤️❤️
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.