Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
The USS B port
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End