I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
this is what they would have looked like, though
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.