*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄