“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
RT if you could go either way.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
This story is comedy gold 😂
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend