That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka