RT if you could go either way.
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
so i’m at the stock market right
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.