Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
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I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.