[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!