Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?