My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
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pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I am, perchance
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?