I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
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Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.