I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
You Might Also Like
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.