I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?