I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
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Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
this FaceApp is creepy af
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear