You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
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The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
one of
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Crying is a sign of leakness.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.