My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
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