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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.