Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
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*3.5 thank you very much.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”