Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
pictures of spider-man
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.