Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
can’t bark with your mouth full
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
cyclists
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total