my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
You Might Also Like
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
every college guy’s fridge
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Your secret is safeish with me
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
finally found a reasonable question
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
ok like just. call me at this point