I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
You Might Also Like
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I hate everything