ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.