I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
me hitting on a model
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)