You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Put a ring on it
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet