Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
me before I type out affect or effect
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.