ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
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Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now