When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I falcon love using swear birds
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”