You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Room with a view.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.