Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle