I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
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Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
79.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!