I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!