[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
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“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics