just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
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Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?