Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
You Might Also Like
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.