just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?