It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
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Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
the battle rages on
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
twitter is a journey
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.