“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
my name if I was in the mob
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
@funTweeters I am at your service….
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Who called it baking and not making love
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
wish me luck lads