@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

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@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@birbigs

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

@longwall26

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

@tchrquotes

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

@kerouac741

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

@HiddenPinky

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

@brendohare

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

@7_Cents

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

@harikondabolu

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US