Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
You Might Also Like
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely