*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.