i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.